so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
