God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.