We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
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Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
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Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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