It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located