Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Hello my rib-scented angel!