watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
