btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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