I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
never play flip cup with pint glasses
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
