Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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