i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I deserve to be covered in dicks
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How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
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I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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