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Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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