My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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