i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
