i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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