I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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