I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
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I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
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YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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