First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
