Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
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