i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
