I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
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I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
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I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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