I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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