hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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