i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
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I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
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They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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