did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
