I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
