Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
