Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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