I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?