What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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