You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
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proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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