Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
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I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
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shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.