As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.