i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Quick, to the slutcave!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
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She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
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Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?