I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!