I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
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So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
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I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices