I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize