Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Even my vagina gasped.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
