I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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