Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
