sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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