Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
