The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
