he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
