Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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