last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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