Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
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The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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