I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell