she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
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there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
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Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!