Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
