I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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