woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??