Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.