No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules