she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.