I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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