i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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