I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?